So often I stumble over the question, do I go to the hospital to visit someone who is sick?  

Every case is different, there are no rules, and there are so many variables in the equation of “to visit or not to visit” someone who is in the hospital.  For me, I usually ask myself three questions:  Am I following the patient’s request?  Am I supporting the family or caregiver?  Have I prayed for the right opportunity to bless the patient or family?

Am I following the patient’s request?

There have been numerous times in my life when I wanted to see someone who was terminally sick or in the hospital but the patient did not want visitors.  Sometimes that is hard to hear, but I can understand being too sick to entertain visitors and I can understand the person wanting to be remembered as a healthy vibrant person. 

Years ago, a friend of my husband was dying of cancer.  He was nearing the end of his life and I asked my husband why he was not going to go to the hospital to see him.  His answer surprised me.  He said that it was a time for family and that in his culture friends did not usually go to the hospital to visit.  

I will always remember that comment of his because it was the opposite of everything I was taught.  It seemed cold to me.  But I respected his knowledge of his culture.

When I do plan to visit someone, I like to speak to the patient or caregiver before I go for a visit.  I normally call right before I leave because I have found that visiting preferences can change by the moment.  I am always prepared for people to change their minds about having visitors.  I find that people who did not want visitors while they were enduring an illness, often have a change of heart as their time on earth draws to a close.  

Am I supporting the family or caregiver?

When someone is very sick and near death, I go to the hospital as much to support the family as the patient.  Caring for someone at the hospital can be exhausting.  A short visit can brighten their day.  There are times when I don’t even see the one who is sick.   

When my husband was in the hospital in a coma, thankfully I remembered what he had said about his culture not wanting to intrude on the family at the end of one’s life.  I was prepared for him not to have any visitors.  I can count on one hand the number of people who came to see him during those 4 or 5 days in the hospital.  

One visitor was his son, who stayed each night so I could go home and take care of our 14-month-old girls.  Another was a husband and wife who did not know me well but was a life-long friend of my husband’s. The guys met daily for espresso and to converse about soccer and politics.  

That couple was a blessing to me beyond words.  I don’t recall how long the visit was, maybe only 10-15 minutes, and I don’t remember if they spent time with my husband, but they did spend time with me.  I will never forget their kindness and generosity.  They influenced my life forever just in those moments.  

The night morphine was increased and the end was near, two of our close family friends came representing my husband’s closest lifelong family friends.  I was very appreciative that they came that night, but would not have been hurt if they were unable to visit because I knew the culture and I knew that his closest friends were not able to see him in a coma.  It was too tough for them to see their lifelong friend in that condition.  I wanted their memories of him to be rich and vibrant.  

Throughout my life, I remember times when my mom visited friends in the hospital.  She always made a point of taking the caregiver to the cafeteria for some conversation and nourishment.   There are times when I have gone to the hospital with a cup of coffee or a snack for the caregiver, some flowers for the patient, yet never entered the room of the patient.  Normally I do see the patient, but not always.  

Have I prayed for the right opportunity to bless the patient or family?

For me, it always comes back to prayer.  As I pray for the patient and family, I pray that I will know how to bless them.  I pray that my timing is right regarding my visit, that my words are comforting, and that I am aware when it is time to leave.  I also pray that if I am not intended to visit, my plans will somehow be canceled. 

There is no right answer regarding “to visit or not to visit”.  I try to remember that the visit is about both the patient and the caregiver, not about me.   I am amazed that visiting for a few minutes is often equally as good or better than staying an hour.  Knowing that people care and are thinking about you, is priceless. 

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