We all have a choice about how we approach death and our feelings of guilt, anger, relief, sorrow, contentment, etc.  Although my late husband’s death was sudden and unexpected, I was fortunate to know that he did not want to survive on life support.

A part of me feels a bit embarrassed to say that I don’t ever remember talking to him about faith.  We never had a need to talk about it because we lived it.  I saw him live life with love.  We both knew we would be married in a church, but rarely attended unless we were in Italy. 

I am a huge believer in church and the strength of a church family, we just never found the one for us.  We trusted our faith in good times and difficult times.  I knew he was the partner God chose for me.  That was all I needed to know. 

I also knew it was his time to leave this earth.  I had numerous dreams about his funeral several months prior to his death.  In hindsight, God was preparing me for what was to come.  The dreams didn’t scare me, they were peaceful and beautiful.  Although, I will admit that in my dreams it looked like the funeral of someone who was in the mafia (which he was not!).

There were numerous things that I remember about the night that our lives changed forever.  The girls and I walked him down to his car.  They were in the stroller, which was rare, they always wanted to walk.  As he drove away I vividly remember smiling to myself thinking it was the first time I could remember that he didn’t kiss me goodbye.

He pulled out onto a major road and the girls stood up in the stroller and waved to him.  He rolled down the window, waved, and went about 5 mph down the street not caring who he was holding up behind him.  They never sat down until his car was out of sight.  At that moment I found it odd that those two things were vivid in my mind even before everything else unfolded. 

It was later that night that I received a call from a friend telling me he was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital with my husband.  The only thing I remember asking is, “Is he alive?” 

For the next five days, he was in ICU on life support.  During that time I felt a bit conflicted.  On one hand, I knew that he was likely hearing what I said to him, and on the other hand, he knew everything I felt without me having to say a word.  Our love, genuine, and our faith, strong.

For anyone who has had to sign the document giving the approval to take your loved one off life support, you know the struggle.  I knew and had documentation of my husband’s wishes, but putting my signature on that document was the most difficult thing I have done in my life.

One reason it was so difficult… I knew without a doubt that with God, all things are possible.  I knew that a healing was possible.  The reason I signed was because it was what my husband would have wanted and despite being difficult, after days of prayer, I was at peace. 

People react to death differently.  Not all grieving processes are the exact same.  Through prayer feelings of guilt, anger, relief, and sorrow can all be forgiven and peace is available to all. 

So many reasons, so many feelings, and so many ways people react and grieve over death.  I have always been content knowing my late husband is with Jesus.  I know he is at peace and I am at peace because of my faith. 

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