This is not easy for me to admit, but 2020 has brought fleeting moments where I have questioned my faith.  In those moments of question, I take a step back and look at where my faith has brought me and how many disasters it has made right.  This year has brought challenges to the world, our country, and for many of us our families.  I believe those challenges will be untangled as our faith stands strong and as love prevails.

What I have realized in those moments is that I am not questioning my faith, but my ability to hear the right message.  Often these fleeting times of uncertainty have less to do with me personally and more to do with my family.  I know my faith is strong, and I know all things are possible, but yes, I have seconds of questioning my ability to know how to proceed.  I then look back at how blessed I have been as I walk in faith.  I find strength in knowing that my faith has always led me to persevere through times of uncertainty. 

Perseverance has played an important role in my journey.  I knew that I wanted to raise children, but early on that road proved to be very bumpy.  After having trouble conceiving, my late husband and I looked into adoption.  Those doors close very quickly.  We then tried numerous fertility treatments without success.  Our last option was an egg donor. 

It was clear to me that this was our direction when out of hundreds of donor profiles, the first profile I opened was a woman who earned her BS, MS, and Ph.D. in textiles.  Her profile read blonde hair, and blue eyes, and her background was German.  The profile was so similar to me that it seemed unreal.  At the time this donor was already being considered by another family.  I knew, without a doubt, that she was the one.  After a few weeks, she became available and we immediately put in our request for her to be our donor. 

I knew the average number of eggs retrieved from a donor was 8-11.  We received 27.  At that moment, I knew that perseverance would again play an important role.  It was like I was prepared in advance that I would be utilizing all those eggs in our quest for children.  It was eggs 25, 26, and 27 that brought us that hope.

At the time the final three embryos were inserted, I was told by the doctor that if by some miracle all three were successful, I would only be allowed to carry two.  My uterus was severely damaged from a fibroid that was the size of a grapefruit. I had a very talented surgeon who restored my uterus beyond what the fertility doctor thought possible.  Thank you, Jesus!

For one fleeting moment, I feared having to abort one embryo.   But that fear didn’t last but a second, because I live by faith.  I surrendered to Jesus and immediately knew that I was not going to have to deal with that decision.  At my next appointment, the doctor came in shaking his head and grinning.  He showed me a picture of two healthy embryos and one that did not develop.  I smiled and nothing else needed to be said. 

My faith is strong.  When moments arise that seem to rattle my faith I quickly remind myself that it is my faith that will carry me through any storm.  And it is my faith that is responsible for all my joy. 

When I wonder if I am on the right path, I quickly focus on all the aspects of my life that have been sewn together by faith.  I take a deep breath and give thanks for my journey. 

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